just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
