Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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