Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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