We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
