tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
