Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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