My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
