Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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