i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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