I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
