It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
