You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
