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• (831): View more from California

  I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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• (606): View more from Kentucky

  I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

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• (916): View more from California

  The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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• (585): View more from New York

  I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one

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• (530): View more from California

  It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.

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• (347): View more from New York

  my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs

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• (253): View more from Washington

  I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''

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• (289): View more from Ontario

  He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other

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