Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
