I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
