i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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