I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
