If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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