I wish you could order shots online.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
