I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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