I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
