I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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