So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
