I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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