Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
