I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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