Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
