genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
