I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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