I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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