Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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