someone threw a dead crab at me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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