On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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