My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
