He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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