Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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