Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
