well I can't set my house on fire every night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Life is so much better after having sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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