Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
