flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
