just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
