my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
