I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As shirtless as possible
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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