fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
