so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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