My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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