This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
