so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
