i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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