New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
