Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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