we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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