I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took my morning after pill in the library
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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