Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
