Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
