if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
