i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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