I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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